Balance, Shmalance

Every adult I know, whether they are formally employed or not, is searching for that elusive "work/life balance" we hear so much about in the media and general zeitgeist.  I've spent a lot of my adult life looking for it, and did so long before I got married and had kids.  "Balance" isn't and shouldn't be dependent on one's status as a parent, caretaker or half of a couple.

But over the years, I've come to really disdain and actively discourage the use of the word "balance" because I think it puts too much pressure on us to achieve the unachievable.  Think about the word: at least in my lawyerly mind, balance implies the scales being equal -- there being some measure of equilibrium that's achieved.   Indeed, one of the definitions of balance is "equality of distribution."  To me, it's a static notion, one that doesn't really truly account for the ebbs and flows of our lives, and an overly idealistic one.  

Think about our lives . . . in any given day or week, something is more time-sensitive or urgent than other things, whether it be a work deadline, a sick child, a school project, a planned trip or family event, or just the sheer volume of your "to do" list at work or at home.   There's always something weighing the scale down in one direction or the other -- it's never "balanced."

And why does this matter?  I've come to believe that the mere use of the word "balance" causes far too many people to look for some work/life Nirvana that can never exist.  And in putting that kind of pressure on ourselves, we set ourselves for failure and all the psychological, and perhaps physical, baggage that comes with it.

Instead, let me suggest two synonyms for balance that, to me, imply a very different way of thinking about things -- harmony and proportion.  

I don't seek balance between my personal and professional obligations and interests.  Instead, I seek, overall, to make sure that neither part of my life consistently overwhelms the other (proportion), and that they somehow all feed different parts of my soul (harmony).  While nothing in this world matters more to me than those in my immediate family, were most of my life devoted just to them, I wouldn't feed the part of me that needs to work toward social justice in the world at large.  Yet were I to devote every waking hour to the work I find so important, I would miss out on the moments with my family that bring me more joy than anything else.  Just two examples, and two basic ones at that.  Other things that matter to me are personal relationships, vacations, having art in my life, whether it be music or theater or something else, and feeling like I'm tangibly achieving things in all aspects of my life, whether it be a successful work campaign, or a cooking a delicious dinner for my family and friends.  

I don't pretend that any of this is easy and that simply abandoning the thought of "balance" solves all my problems -- far from it.  I'm often overwhelmed, over-committed, over-tired, or just plain over-it-all!  

But what I do find is that when I stopped trying to achieve balance, I also started taking it easier on myself and accepting that sometimes I'd have to sacrifice a bit at work to be the kind of mother I wanted to be, and that sometimes I'd have to do a little bit less at home and with my girls than I'd like, because what I was doing at work was so important and rewarding.  I gave myself "permission," if you will, to slack off a little bit, with the knowledge that it was perfectly OK to do so.  I made a choice and I owned it, because I wasn't trying to achieve the unachievable -- just make the best decision in a moment in time.   

Consistent with my last post on the benefits of the "good enough" standard, I think that the more we let go of the "ideal" as something to strive for in an uncompromising fashion, (because let's face it, ideals aren't really attainable or they wouldn't be ideals), and the more we look for harmony and proportion in our lives, the more likely we are to be pleased with the results we achieve, and the more we are likely to be pleased with ourselves. 

What do you think?   Eager to read your comments and thoughts.